Where is the Love???

When my husband(then boyfriend) first joined the military, I was terrified. How could you not be when your loved one is entering the military in a time of war? You have no idea how you're going to ever come to terms with it, how he's going to survive it, let alone yourself. And maybe you're like me, you had no idea of this "community" of military families that you would be introduced to through the wonders of the world wide web. When your SO leaves for boot camp, you suddenly stumble across hundreds of groups dedicated to supporting military families and it seems like the best thing in the world! You amazingly have connections with people who know exactly what you're going through and who can help you prepare for the road ahead. You start feeling secure in your new life, knowing that there are people who can answer just about any question you have. Your family doesn't quite understand, neither do your friends, but you have thousands at your fingertips who know what's going on in your mind.

And then the day comes where you see some offhand comment such as, "Military wives are fat, lazy slobs who do nothing but pop out children and leech benefits off our military," and the first thought in your head is, "I'm not like that!" *Sigh* It does happen, there are people who marry a military member for the sole purpose of taking advantage of the health insurance and access to commissaries. I've seen for myself people getting married simply to collect BAH and split it among themselves. Yes, it does happen and unfortunately it's one of the many things that are held against military spouses as a whole. I don't know about you, but I married my husband because he's the one person in my life who I could never live without. He's simply everything to me, and if he hadn't joined the military I'd still be proud to be the wife of a dishwasher at Cracker Barrel (his pre-Marine Corps job). He looks sexy in his uniform, but he's even more sexy out of it. He joined the Marine Corps because he was 26 and his life was going no where, he needed structure and someone to slap him upside the head and tell him to straighten himself out. The boot camp DIs did just that and the man I saw at graduation was not the same man that had left for boot camp 13 weeks prior. The thing I'm proud of the most is that he let the Marines change his life for the better, he needed the change and he embraced it. He is a truly amazing man, and that's why I married him. So I don't appreciate being lumped in with the few spouses who married solely for the benefits.

Now, I've been a military wife for almost 5 years. My husband has done 3 deployments. I have NOT been through it all, but I have been through a lot. Each deployment was difficult in it's own way and each of them had a lesson to teach us. One of those lessons is that it's more important to focus on your own relationship, don't worry about what other people are doing or saying because it has no effect on your life. I'm a big believer of "live and let live", meaning just let people live their lives and move on and live your own. Facebook has become a platform for many groups who bash what military wives do, whether they're overweight, have a few kids, carry camo purses, call themselves "military wives". It's difficult to put into words how dumb I think these people are.

When I was in middle and high school, I remember it being nothing but a popularity contest. If you didn't wear the coolest clothes or have the right backpack, you weren't "cool". Back then, it was a big deal. School could be difficult if you didn't quite fit in, and I was one of those kids that didn't quite fit in. I couldn't wait for high school to be over so I'd never have to see any of those people again, and as my 20s progressed I realized that none of it mattered anymore. I wanted to just live my life and be happy, so I started not caring about what other people thought. And for the most part, I ran into people who thought the same way. Life was good...and then my boyfriend joined the military. After about 6 months of connecting with other military SOs, I realized I was being sucked right back in to high school. Seeing arguments about a wife carrying a camo purse, or that she called herself a "USMC Wife", it puzzled me. Why would people care about something so petty and small as that? It was a mystery to me in my first year of military life, and it's still a mystery to me in my 6th year of military life.

Yes, I was very moto when my husband first joined. He actually bought me my first camo purse, and it had a nametape on it that read "Marine Girlfriend" and I loved it. I believe I called him "my Marine" one time and he put the kibosh on that, which I do understand. He didn't want me identifying him solely as a Marine, he was still my husband, not my Marine. He was a Marine at work, a husband at home. But I could care less if some other wife calls her husband "my Marine" because it has no effect whatsoever on my life. Nothing would make me go out of my way to call her out for that just because I don't do it. In my experience, people don't like others who do things differently. That's why some can't express their opinions without telling someone else their opinion is wrong. Anyway, as the years have progressed (6 years in civilian time is really about 50 in military time, think of it like dog years) I've toned down my motardedness. I still call myself a Marine wife. Why? Because I can, plain and simple. While it doesn't define my whole being, it is a huge part of my life and has been since my husband joined the military. We can't really do anything without thinking about the military, it dictates when it's going to take my husband away, it dictates where we live, it dictates when we can make plans. While he's in, the military will be our life whether we like it or not. But I still have my own identity apart from that, I love reading, I'm a nerd, I love sewing, I'm shy and still kind of the "kid on the outside" like I was in high school.

It shouldn't be so hard to find decent people in this world, whether civilian or military. I've seen plenty of military members joining in on the bashing against military spouses, and once again it sucks to be lumped into a group like that. When I find myself getting upset about it, I remind myself that I don't have to prove my relationship to anyone. I don't need anyone's approval but my husband's. Since I've adopted this attitude, I find I can let things roll of my back a lot easier. I'll tell you something right now: I'm sitting on the couch eating some Pringles, typing on the laptop my husband bought me. Want to judge me for that? Go right ahead, I don't care. My husband and my marriage are the only things I care about, my life with my husband is pretty awesome and if I see something on the internet I don't agree with, I have the ability to close my laptop and do something else.

So, if you learn one thing about being a military spouse/decent person, it's this: it doesn't matter what anyone else is doing, it has no effect on your life. This whole military community thing is supposed to be about helping people out, not tearing them down. You never know when something you say is going to be the last straw for someone, so why put yourself in that position? Don't get sucked into all the drama, I know it's hard not to. If it weren't for the people I've met through my support page, I would have gotten off the military community grid a long time ago. Several times I've wanted to shut down my support page and Facebook account, but I haven't because I've met some truly wonderful people through my page. How do I avoid seeing all the military spouse drama? I simply don't seek it out. I'm not a part of any other support pages apart from my own, and I run my own with a strict no-drama policy.

Now, I'm sure there are going to be people who do not agree with me and that's fine. Some even might try to call me names or do something else that's equally childish. That's the risk you run when you have your own opinions about things. But the one thing I want you to take away from this is that not every military spouse is a troll, there are quite a few that are genuine, wonderful people to know. You have to just weed out the bad eggs from the good.