The Deployment Cycle

Settle in for a read, this is going to take a while!

Since my husband came home in June from his 3rd deployment, I have often looked back and compared our different experiences. I will never truly know what it's like for him, I have no idea what it's like to leave the country and my family for 7 months. I have no idea how hard it is on him, and I can't even imagine what it would be like. So I won't even try to understand it, I'll always just be there to listen when he needs someone to talk to and vent to.

But looking back on our deployments, while there are similarities, there are more differences than anything. Each deployment has carried its own set of trials and tribulations, its own set of ups and downs. No two deployments are going to go exactly the same, life happens even when your SO is deployed so you have to be prepared for anything. The only thing that remains constant is the cycle of feelings you both go through before, during and after deployment. What I hope to do is enlighten some of you so you can recognize those feelings in your own relationship and be prepared for them.

Pre-deployment

So, you've been dating/married for a little while! You're getting comfortable with each other, learning a new routine, having fun and then BAM! He calls you one day and says he is deploying in 2 months (or sooner, sometimes it's next to no notice, sometimes it's months in advance that you know). Your mind starts reeling and a thousand and one questions start running through your head. 

If he's like my husband, he's eager to leave, excited to start his new adventure. And if it's your first deployment together, sometimes it can be confusing and a little heartbreaking to know that he wants to leave. You'll start questioning yourself and your relationship, wondering why he's so willing to leave you behind. He'll probably start pulling away from you as well, which can be devastating if you're not prepared for it. You think he'll be here for you up until he leaves when in reality, he's already started his "deployment mind-set." Here's your first lesson: DON'T PANIC! If I could write a manual on being a military SO, it'd have the words "DON'T PANIC" on the cover. Do not panic if he starts to pull away, or in some cases if you start to pull away from him. It's just our instinctual reaction to protect the ones we love from further heartache. He's torn between wanting to do his job and wanting to stay with you, he can't do both. And unfortunately, he's always going to have to put the job first. That's just what comes with loving a man in the military, the job will always come first.

So if he starts to pull away, understand why he's doing it. It's almost a subconscious reaction, not a lot of people realize what they're doing even when it's pointed out to them. With our first two deployments my husband would start to pull away from me about a month before he left. Each time I had to tell him what he was doing, he didn't even realize it and I couldn't really fault him for it. But I didn't get angry at him for it once I understood why he was doing it, I just asked him to try and be with me before he left. I explained I understood he was eager to leave but that I did still need his emotional support, we compromised and before he left for his third deployment he didn't pull away from me. I believe it helped, too, because our third deployment was a breeze. I felt secure in our relationship and so did he. That's not always going to be the case, and the weeks leading up to a deployment I'm always wishing it would just begin so we could get it over with. So if he starts to pull away, just sit him down and talk to him about it. Explain you do still need support while he's here, it'll help give you peace of mind when he's gone.

Deployment

He's gone, off in a foreign land 9000 miles away. You cried yourself to sleep, you feel disorganized, lost, helpless. And it doesn't seem like things will ever get better. This usually happens with your first deployment, you have no idea how you're going to get through the next 7, 12, 15 months and you don't know if you can. Here's your second lesson: YOU CAN DO IT! Once you realize deployment isn't the end of the world, you're going to be a lot happier. Your life doesn't stop just because your SO is gone, the world keeps spinning and your life must keep going. I stress to the members on my support page not to withdraw into a dark room during deployment, the only thing that kind of attitude is going to do is keep you miserable. Look at it like this: do you want to spend months in a dark room, curled up in the fetal position and letting life pass you by or do you want to tackle deployment with nothing less than superhuman strength and make your SO proud of you for being so strong? Your SO has a job to do and he has to be completely focused on that job, don't make him worry unnecessarily about you and your well being. Make him see that you can handle anything and that you won't fall apart when he leaves. I know it's easier said than done, I've been through it. I'm a very co-dependent person and I still don't like being separated from my husband, so deployment was a struggle for me. But I learned that my life didn't have to stop just because my husband was gone, and I found he was proud of me for going out with my friends and doing normal every day things while he was gone. He knew he could count on me to keep things going when he left and that everything would be fine, it made leaving a lot easier on him. And ultimately, that's what I want. I don't want him to worry about me, he has a job to focus on and has enough stress to deal with so I don't want to add to that.

And just when you think everything is ok, something happens.

Deployments don't always go smoothly, we found that out with our very first one, and our second one. We don't talk about his second deployment, the one to Afghanistan. A lot happened but we made it through and we will keep that one in the past. But back to our first one, he was deployed to Iraq. He was attached to a different unit to deploy and come back with, so we had been given the address for that unit. With it being our first deployment, we didn't think anything of the fact that it was different than his parent unit. We didn't know who he'd be with overseas. So the first week he was gone his mom and I started packing his first care packages and sent them off. I talked and Skyped with him every day, told him I missed him and I loved him, let him know the boring news of back home, told him his first packages were on the way. After he'd been there a month, he emails me asking where his packages are. I don't know, I said, we sent them to this address. Things went way downhill from there, apparently he was incredibly depressed that he hadn't received any mail yet. He told me to just forget about him, to find someone who could be with me all the time, no one cared about him and everyone should just forget who he was. WHAT?! Are you kidding me? This is our first deployment, we've only been married for 6 months and you're going to start talking like this? Needless to say, he had me hysterical and in tears. I called his mom bawling and she came to pick me up so I could stay with her for a couple days. She's always been able to calm me down, I laid everything out to her and she comforted me, telling me he can get dramatic like that sometimes. When I had calmed down and told him I'd find out if we had the wrong address, I emailed a few people looking for an answer. And what do you think happened? We were given an incorrect address. He was with his parent unit in Iraq, so it was a completely different address than the one we had. I immediately emailed my husband and told him to find someone in his shop and look at their mail. He felt dumb after that, he'd thrown this big fit over something that was out of our control. He apologized for what he said, and we laugh about it now. But at the time it felt like the end of the world to both of us. I told him to never say anything like that to me again, and to never think that I could ever just leave him because he tells me to. Plus, after 3 deployments worth of care packages he knows that I will always send him a ridiculous amount of stuff!

Are you still with me?! This article is long, explaining emotions is always difficult and there are a lot associated with deployments. But we're coming to the end, I promise!

Post-deployment

Here's your third lesson: DON'T EXPECT HOMECOMING TO BE LIKE THE SILVER SCREEN! Reintegration is difficult, and it most certainly isn't going to be like a fairy tale. I'm sure you have this image playing in your head of slow motion running, Top Gun music playing in the background and your SO walking in through a cloud of smoke. While it would be wonderful if homecoming was like that, the reality is well...more realistic. Some factors to consider:

-You probably won't know what time of day he'll be home until the day before he comes home, sometimes a week before but don't count on that

-The time and day can get changed SEVERAL times (our second homecoming was changed SIX TIMES the week they arrived...that was frustrating but it comes with the territory)

-The weather may not cooperate with you, you don't want to be stuck freezing in a dress and heels if a sudden cold front moves in (plan a few outfits for every realistic weather possibility)

-He's probably going to be dog tired, 16 hours on a plane and several layovers will tend to sap the strength from your body

So, you can see that it's probably not going to be the picture-perfect image you have in your head. Be prepared for that, and don't worry about it. He's not going to care if you have a bad hair day, if you're breaking out, he's just going to be happy to be home (I do suggest reading What Not to Wear: Homecoming for more on appropriate attire for homecomings...please!)

You got him home, and there another struggle beings. Reintegration. For at least 7 months you've been the one running the household, taking care of business, looking after the dogs, you have your own routine now. He's going to feel out of place, not knowing where he fits in with your life and the household life. You do the dishes, take out the trash, clean, vacuum. He's probably going to feel a little lost. Again, don't panic! It's normal, and it will go away once you establish your routine of being together again. Don't expect it to happen right away, you've been taking care of everything at home, he's been taking care of things overseas, you were on two different pages but it's going to take a minute for you to get back on the same page. Be patient with him and yourself, you both will eventually ease back into normal life. Don't rush it, don't push it, just let it happen on its own.

I hope you stayed with me to the end, these are things I wish someone had told me before our first deployment but I had to learn everything on my own. Often that's how it is, you're thrown into the deep end of this military life and you either sink or swim. Sometimes you might think it'd be easier to sink but I promise you, if you swim it can be quite an experience :) 

-Jennifer-
*As always, these are my own experiences. This may not be your experience and that's just fine!*