True Life: I'm a New Wife

It's what most girls dream about. They spend their younger years planning the perfect wedding, picking a dress, flowers, colors. All that's required is a groom! That's the hardest part, yet it seems like people are getting married all around you. A few months later and half of them are getting divorced. What?! Marriage is supposed to be forever, one and done. How can these people who just 6 months ago pledged their lives to each other be getting divorced already? What if that happens to me?

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I grew up in a time when marriage was a thing to be worked on and nourished. I have been an adult in a time where marriage and divorce are often done in the same year. It's been sad to see the rapid decline of people staying true to their marriage vows, you had a fight and think you should get divorced? No, that's not how it's supposed to work. It's not just young couples or old couples or military couples or civilian couples, it's everyone. There seems to be something in the air that says you should abandon your spouse and marriage at the first sign of trouble. Are you telling me you never had a fight when you were just dating? If you're answer is no, I don't believe it. Every couple fights, everyone fights differently. It doesn't have to be a screaming match, but it's there. People fight because we care about our own opinions and thoughts. Fighting means you care and that you can stand up for yourself. It seems as if divorce is a "cure-all" now for people who'd rather just end the relationship than put a little work into it and fix the problem.

I know other people believe differently than I do, but to me, marriage is more than a piece of paper. Until you've been both a girlfriend and a wife, you can't understand the way your relationship changes. You aren't supposed to just walk away when times get tough, you're a team now and you really have to work together to make your marriage work. Putting effort and work into your marriage is exactly what you're supposed to do, it doesn't mean it's failing, it means you're doing your part to keep your marriage running smoothly. You might already be very close to your SO, but marriage pushes it over the edge and you discover a level of closeness that you never thought possible. Your spouse will be there with you for the rest of your life, helping you, encouraging you, sharing in your triumphs and picking you up when you're down. That is the one person you can always rely on to be there for you. Don't forget that, don't take that for granted. Don't take holding hands for granted, or a kiss, or a hug, or even the ability to call them whenever you miss them.

Being married is hard work, and it's not always going to be a cake walk. But if you've married the right person, you're going to have a wonderful life. I've compiled some advice that I use in my own marriage. My husband and I have been married for 4 years on November 7th, it's been very hard at times especially since he's been deployed for a lot of our married life but we keep working through everything together and we have a wonderful marriage. Is it perfect? Of course not, no marriage is. What matters is that we both put in the effort to make it work. Coming from parents who divorced when I was 4 and have actively hated each other since (my father never grew up, I stopped talking to him 5 years ago because he put down my husband and was still talking bad about my mother and trying to get me to hate her...he'll never learn), I was surprised when I found someone I wanted to marry and who accepted me even with all my trust issues. My husband has even said he was surprised at how loving and trusting I was given my entire life's experience with the type of family I have. I have no other explanation other than my husband is "the one" for me and loving him is the easiest thing in the world to me.

Tips for New Wives:

1. Don't stop dating each other: Just because you're married doesn't mean you should ever stop trying to impress each other. By planning dates or going on spontaneous ones, you keep the spark alive. Talk about more than just boring day to day stuff, try to learn new things about each other. Hold hands and kiss, it never gets old! My husband and I set aside time a few times a month to go out on dates, it's a nice relaxing way to end the week and have a great weekend. And even though we've been together for 5 years, we're still learning new things about each other.

2. If you fight or argue, give each other space: You know the old adage "don't go to bed mad," that's so dated. I used to think you should stay up all night fighting it out and getting it resolved. That just doesn't work all the time, sooner or later one of you is going to say something spiteful and it's going to turn it into something huge. If you feel like you're getting nowhere, take a breather and go to separate corners. Come back later when you've both calmed down and can resolve things rationally, just don't forget to come back to it! If you never resolve the issue, it's bound to crop up again. And another piece of advice about fighting from member Shaunta D., "If you must fight, fight fair." 

3. Maintain your own identity: When you get married, you become a team. But it's important not to forget who you are and what you want out of life. Your spouse is there to support you every step of the way, with that support you can pursue what makes you happy. Try new hobbies, get a job, write in a journal, start a blog, do something that reminds you that you are still an individual and not just joined with your spouse. I have several hobbies, mostly discovered during deployments, and I started this blog to write what's in my head. It reminds me that I have my own opinions and thoughts, that not every aspect of my life is about my husband.

4. You don't have to like all the same things: This goes along with number three, you and your spouse are two different people. You grew up differently, possibly in different cities or states. You have different tastes in music and movies. But it's not a bad thing, in fact it means you can introduce each other to new things. While you might not end up liking his taste in music, you can at least say you tried it. My husband and I have many, many things in common. Sometimes he can read my mind, speak thoughts that are right out of my head...those moments scare me a little! But I pretty much hate his taste in music, he's into death metal, I'm into just about anything else. It doesn't mean we're incompatible, it just means we're individuals who have our own taste in things.

5. There will be things you both do that will annoy the other person: No couple can ever perfectly get along, it just doesn't happen. When you start living with someone, you find out who they truly are. You discover all their habits, the good and the bad. Maybe he leaves the toilet seat up (a classic complaint of women) or maybe your hair is all over the sink every morning. Maybe he never puts his dishes in the dishwasher or you forget to pick up your flip-flops. Living with someone means you should take that person into consideration when you do something, if you want him to put his dishes away ask him to. Don't demand, don't scold like he's a child. Marriage is all about compromise, both partners give and take to create harmony. And when your spouse is gone 7 months out of the year, you're really going to start missing all those things they do that annoy you.

6. Don't expect the "honeymoon" period to last forever: You're newly married, still basking in that blissful glow, writing thank you cards for all the wedding presents you received. You think nothing is ever going to go wrong and you're Cinderella in your very own happily ever after. Then a few years pass, you're comfortable with each other, you've had some arguments but you've settled down into your new life. You start wondering where that first spark went, why you don't get those butterflies you used to get when you saw him, why you don't feel a glow anymore. That's nothing to be concerned about, you just have to see it for what it is. The so-called honeymoon period only lasts for so long before it settles down into something else. From one of our own members, Cassy C., "The honeymoon period ends. You won't have that passion anymore, you won't have the butterflies. It gets replaced by something deeper and better, but too many people take it as falling "out of love" with their husbands, when the truth is that first phase of love doesn't last forever and isn't how it should always be."

7. Trust each other: Unless your spouse does something that makes you suspicious, trust them! Nothing makes a marriage slide downhill faster than a lack of trust. Don't let your insecurities ruin your relationship, if you need help overcoming them ask for it. There's nothing wrong with going to therapy to help you get over something in your past, if you're committed to your relationship you owe it to your spouse to do everything you can to fix your insecurities. Don't accuse when there's nothing to accuse your spouse of, there will be a point where they won't be able to deal with it anymore.

8. Communicate: That one needs no explanation. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that if you don't communicate, neither of you are going to get what you want. When he asks you want you want to do or where you want to eat, tell him. He's asking because he cares. Do the same for him, it shows that you care about what he wants. If you're mad about something he did or didn't do, tell him. Don't scream it at him, tell him that it bothered you. No one can read your mind all the time, so you have to help out a little.

A couple more of our members were nice enough to share their own advice as well:
Ashley H.: The first year's always the hardest.
Breanna B.: Choose your battles. Not everything has to be a fight. Communication is the key and trust each other. MAKE TIME for weekly date nights!!